Brown Majik

Back in the day when toys cost a measly three bucks, Mattel had submachine guns and pistols on the market. If modern day video games influence young children in negative ways, then how about the smoke-firing guns, holsters, and ammo little dudes used to play target practice with a few decades ago? The more things change, the more they stay the same— surprise, surprise, with a little "bang, bang!" thrown in to boot.

You're in the Twilight Zone. Someone comes over and tells you that you must choose between these two smug geezers. There is no third door, my friends. Who would you lock lips with, if you had to . . .

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DNA Leads Police to Salami-Loving Thief

I love this story. Police nabbed a burglar by finding traces of his DNA on a salami sandwich found at the crime scene. It appears he just couldn't resist biting into it and made the fatal mistake of leaving it there. "He didn't bring the salami with him, "an investigator reported, "it was just lying around in the office." Haha. Hey, thieving gets the appetite going! Click here to read more about the man who's got his priorities straight.

Luddite kitty wants you back on your hands and knees scoopin' her business. Got that? Thanks. Over and out.

Can someone please return this rat to the lab he escaped from?

Thanks, College Humor!

When deciding between piano practice or pigging out on popcorn, this hammie goes with his gut — and there's no stopping him. We should introduce this little guy to baby Mocha. They'd make great snack pals. Mocha's awfully persuasive with the broccoli, which might do this junk-food junkie some good!

You know that when an orangutan looks like a kind, sweet gentleman, the number of funny, cute, and non-douchey bachelors has been reduced to near zero. I bet (if he could) he would open doors, bring flowers occasionally, and call when he says he will. Just ignore the stain on his shirt.

Pot of gold not included.

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Talk about an easy-to-please pooch! Sophie thrives—not on snacks, pats on the head, or a good belly rubbing—but air. Yup. She goes crazy for air. What am I talking about? Just check it out. (I feel like it might need a heavy metal soundtrack shortly.)

Two-year-old Marcus Marriott is a cowboy, born and bred. He's not even out of diapers, but he already has the coordination to successfully rope a toy calf. His skill is undeniable, but his rope-swinging run is darn adorable. All he's missing is a hat, a pair of chaps, some spurs, and a real cow — but a teething ring and bottle of milk will suffice for now.

No writers, no problem? Think again. Conan O'Brien is arguably one of the funniest men on TV, but he seems to be at a loss for amusing topics and lively banter lately. So he killed some time by touring us around the show's prop room not too long ago and now there's this — Conan's crafty camera work. We'll call it "rock bottom" for short. He's still pretty damn funny though.

We've seen countless impersonators crawl out of the woodwork to make light of Cruise's Scientology babble sesh, but Jerry O'Connell has been the best thus far. He had the crazy laugh, the out-of-this-world sound effects, and the mumbo-jumbo mumble down pat. Of course, this took some practice and a lot of outtakes. Wanna see what fell to the cutting room floor? Trust me, you do.

Not to be outdone by mere bubble-lovin' dolphins, Beluga whales put on a bubble show of their own. It's like an undersea Dancing With the Stars for Pete's sake!

Thanks for the vid, Stupid Videos! WE just had to add a soundtrack!

But when compared to the coif on this duo, the matching mohawks are totally tolerable.

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This older dude shows the younger one how to beat-box, but then the student kicks his ass in beat-boxing. You know what they say, those who can't teach. . .